Child custody mediation helps parents reach an agreement amicably regarding conflicts related to the child. It is also one of the required agreements in a divorce matter if the parents have minor children. Going through a divorce is not easy. When you have children, a divorcing can be even harder emotionally. If you are finding yourself emotionally charged, take time to read this blog so you prevent some common mistakes.
In mediation for custody, you do want to prepare your thoughts as to what custody plan might work well for your child(ren) and why. You don’t need to have the answers given, the mediator will help you think of solutions.
Remember, it’s to your and your children’s benefit to work with your spouse/the other parent. But what should you not say during mediation? Blaming, using possessive language, discussing past issues, and talking aggressively hurts your chances to successfully mediate and achieve your goals.
Families First child custody mediators have over 20+ years of experience in helping parents reach a quality and long-lasting custody agreement. Schedule your free consultation now with Families First Mediation and become a success story.
This article discusses 5 things that you should avoid saying during your custody mediation and solutions to help you prepare better for your custody mediation.
What Is Child Custody
Mediation?
Child Custody Mediation is a voluntary and confidential process in which a neutral third-party mediator facilitates divorcing or separating parents to reach an agreement on physical or legal custody of a child without court hearings.
Child custody disputes may include discussing parenting responsibilities, child support, visitation schedules, travel rules, and other co-parenting agreements.
Families First child custody mediators have successfully mediated 1000+ mediation cases and created agreements that best match child interests and parental wishes.
Why Mediating Child Custody Disputes Over Custody Battles
- Parents have more say in creating the custody agreement in custody mediation, unlike the court process in which the judge decides solely without taking care of the parent’s opinions and desires.
- Custody mediation is faster and more cost-effective. In addition, custody mediators keep the child’s needs first in mediation. Whereas, the child’s needs may be ignored in adversarial court battles.
- When parent’s communicate well in their divorce, they are more likely to have better co-parenting relations and long-lasting agreements in the future.
Your discussions and matters stay confidential in custody mediation
5 Things You Should Not Say In Custody Mediation
Custody mediation is not the right platform to express negative opinions about your spouse.
Avoid the common mistake of hurting your spouse during mediation. Staying civil and respectful helps you reach a quality agreement.
The following are the custody mediation tips to help you better understand what not to say in child custody mediation.
1. Don’t Use Blaming And Accusative Language
If you are discussing your spouse’s past mistakes in custody mediation, refrain from blaming. Expert custody mediators report that they have seen spouses blaming in this way:
- • “You never understand children’s needs.”
- • “You did not help with the kids.”
- • “This is your fault. You don’t understand the situation.”
If you are interested in learning the “Do’s and Don’ts” of child custody mediation, click here.
If you blame, it’s more likely that your spouse will become defensive after listening to your criticism, which can escalate conflict and hostility.
You are looking to the custody mediation to establish an agreement that can benefit the child’s well-being. How you discuss issues in parenting needs to be centered on reaching an agreement or making positive changes for your children’s benefit. How you present the parenting issues you have with your spouse impacts your ability to reach an agreement on those issues.
2. Avoid Possessive Language (I, My, Mine) When Referring To Child
While in custody mediation, try your best to consider the other parent in the parenting relationship. Avoid possessive statements when you refer to your child during the discussion, such as “my child” or “my kids.” It’s incredibly hurtful to the other parent.
Let your co-parent feel well involved in the process by replacing your possessive pronouns (I, my, me, etc.) with “our kid” and “our son” like phrases.
This shall promote a child-centered approach that makes the process collaborative.
3. Don’t Make Promises and Demands
Your and your child’s circumstances can change with time. Making specific promises during this decisive stage, due to pressure or expectations, can create difficulty for you when you have to fulfill them later, while frustrating and disappointing another person.
Similarly, be careful about your demands and requests while sitting in a mediation session. You cannot make demands like asking for unnecessary child support or denying access to your co-parent — without substantive proof that your child(ren) would be in harm’s way.
For example:
“I want to have sole custody of the kids.”
“Can the children stay with me?”
Do your best to position your requests reasonably. Offering suggestions and presenting concerns allows for open communication and solutions — without pushing your spouse away.
‘My way or the highway’ strategy can create tension in reaching a quality child custody mediation agreement while denying the child’s best interests and needs. It can also result in the mediation failing.
4. Avoid Comparison and Discussing Past Issues
See the following examples that show how parents can make comparisons in the situation:
- • “My family will give a better support system to our child than yours.”
- • “I can provide a better lifestyle for our child/children.”
- • “You can’t care for the children the way I can.”
- • “You have never cared for the children.”
Past issues or problems are important. When you present them, do so in a manner that helps achieve the end goal: Your children’s best interests.
Negatively presenting the past will stifle creative discussion. Consider the best manner to discuss important issues that impact your children without pushing your spouse out of the conversation. Avoid any behavior or discussion that reflects aggression towards your spouse or mediator.
The following are the don’ts of custody mediation.
- • Don’t be mannerless.
- • Don’t threaten your spouse.
- • Don’t use inflammatory language.
- • Don’t yell.
- • Don’t interrupt.
Talking or behaving aggressively in custody mediation will give a negative impression to the mediator besides elevating animosity and dragging your simple case to court, which might take years to reach a final judgment.
Avoid these phrases: “I will make you pay.” Alternatively, “I will see you in the court.”
5. Don’t Talk Aggressively
Parenting plan mediation is a casual and informal, unlike the court’s formal and strict process. Avoid any behavior or discussion that reflects aggression towards your spouse or mediator. The following are the don’ts of behavior in custody mediation.
- • Don’t be mannerless.
- • Don’t threaten your spouse.
- • Don’t use inflammatory language.
- • Don’t yell.
- • Don’t interrupt.
Talking or behaving aggressively in custody mediation will give a negative impression to the mediator besides elevating animosity and dragging your simple case to court, which might take years to reach a final judgment.
So, always avoid these phrases: “I will make you pay.” Alternatively, “I will see you in the court
Child Custody Mediation Best Communication Tips for Parents
What to say in custody mediation is important. However, this article will focus on what not to say in custody mediation. The following are the tips for parents who want to create a win-win for custody mediation.
1. Use “I” Statements
Use “I” language. “I” statements? “I” statements are communication techniques for expressing your needs and feelings without blaming others or discussing other’s faults.
See these examples for a better understanding:
- • Blame: You did not care about me. You will never care about children.
- • Replacing blame with “I” statement: I feel that children may get ignored.
The following are the benefits of using “I” statements in child custody mediation:
- • You express your feelings without hurting others.
- • You focus on the child’s well-being.
- • You keep the solution in mind.
- • You foster open communication.
- • Your spouse does not opt for a defensive approach.
Share any ideas you have concerning agreements, custody proposals, visitation schedules, holiday arrangements, and child support.
Discuss practical ideas keeping the child’s well-being and future in mind. The long-lasting agreement will only be possible if both parents commit to discussing the true needs of the child, such as education, daily schedules, developmental needs, emotional well-being, social activities, and medical needs.
2. Active Listening
If you have discussed your proposals and offered solutions, listen to your spouse’s point of view without interrupting him or her. Your listening does not mean that you agree with every point of your spouse, but it means that you are willing to find common ground.
If you have questions, you can ask them later.
3. Talk About Solution With Child Interest in Mind
Share any ideas you have concerning agreements, custody proposals, visitation schedules, holiday arrangements, and child support.
Discuss practical ideas keeping the child’s well-being and future in mind. The long-lasting agreement will only be possible if both parents commit to discussing the true needs of the child, such as education, daily schedules, developmental needs, emotional well-being, social activities, and medical needs.
4. Stay Calm And Show Respect
Do your best to stay calm in the mediation. A positive attitude signals to the mediator and your spouse that you are willing to keep your child’s well-being above your personal disagreements and emotional conflicts.
Stay respectful of your spouse’s opinions and mediator’s approach when discussing important terms of custody arrangements. This will help you reach your final goal: the best interests of your child(ren).
5. What Should You Not Say During Child Custody Mediation?
The following are the 7 things that you should never say in child custody mediation.
- • Don’t use blaming statements.
- • Don’t use possessive language.
- • Don’t say yes to everything.
- • Don’t talk aggressively.
- • Don’t make promises.
- • Don’t make threats.
- • Don’t discuss matters that are not related to the child.
6. What Are The Tips For Successful Child Custody Mediation?
The following are the custody mediation tips for mothers and fathers who want to have a successful child custody mediation.
- • Be on time
- • Dress well
- • Use polite words and communicate effectively
- • Understand the mediator’s role
- • Keep marital issues separate from the custody agreement
- • Control your emotions
- • Show respect to your co-parent