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Unconscious Uncoupling: Be Happy! Get a Divorce?

Dina Haddad

Principal & Founder Attorney-Mediator

Learning to forgive in divorce

(Un)Conscious Uncoupling: A Critical Examination & Personal Reflection

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are separating, or according to Gwen’s post, pursuing “conscious uncoupling.”

Often, celebrities bring new or unknown concepts to the public’s attention.

As such, this is the first time I have heard of “conscious uncoupling.”

The term was coined by Los Angeles therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who offers a five-week online course to “release the trauma of a breakup, reclaim your power and reinvent your life.”

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(Un)conscious Uncoupling: Marriage and Divorce

Gwen explains that marriage and divorce is the manner in which a person can be a “fully realized person.” “(Un)conscious uncoupling” is that process.

The end of a marriage has less to do with the other’s spouse’s fault, but an opportunity for interpersonal growth. In other words, you look to yourself to find out what you did wrong in the marriage and how you could mature as a person.

This does not result in the couple reconciling, but moving on as a single “newly realized person.”

Unconscious Uncoupling and Interpersonal Growth

Moments of crisis definitely give us an opportunity to grow interpersonally, emotionally and spiritually.

Divorce certainly is one of these times. However, “unconscious uncoupling” ignores the pain, betrayal, and confusion of divorce.

Before true interpersonal growth can happen, couples should have an opportunity to be angry, grieve, and separate from their marriage, both emotionally and physically.

Does Unconscious Uncoupling work when one Partner has an affair or addiction?

I’m also very curious how “unconscious uncoupling” works when one partner has had an affair, an addiction, or there’s been domestic violence, abuse, or criminal activity.

Should the injured party (or in some of these situations, the victim) assume fault for the ended marriage for his or her interpersonal growth? How could these situations fall within “unconscious uncoupling?”

These marriage-ending situations have little to do with the couple’s desire, or lack thereof, to be married to the other for life.

Instead, one spouse has participated in dangerous external activities that have wreaked havoc on their marriage.

How can we say that these marriages ended because the injured spouse was immature or was not a “fully realized person?”

The injured spouse would have to completely ignore his or her suffering because the other spouse betrayed him or her.

Read More: 10 Misconceptions about Adultery and Divorce.

Long Term Marriages are an Outdated Concept…

On Gwen’s blog, her mentors further express that “unconscious uncoupling” understands the reality that long-term marriages are an outdated concept better suited to a time when human life expectancy was closer to 30 than 80.

They argue that a lifetime commitment might be too much pressure for a person. This actually contradicts research.

The research shows that elderly couples in long-term marriages have more satisfying and longer lives than their unmarried or divorced counterparts.

How You Divorce Matters! Take Control of Your Divorce.

Marriage can be a rocky road, no doubt about it. But instead of letting things simmer until they boil over into divorce territory, why not take the reins now?

Reach out to your partner and have a heart-to-heart about where you both can grow.

Invest some quality time and genuine effort into strengthening your bond today, so it stands the test of time. Don’t forget to appreciate the little things they do, too!

And if you need some extra support in navigating any rough patches, consider booking a free consultation with Families First Mediation expert mediators providing divorce mediation services throughout California.

Related: How to Legally Avoid Alimony in Divorce?

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