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Co-parenting is a method of parenting for raising children between two parents who are no longer in a relationship (either divorced or separated) and living apart.
When co-parenting, the parents have agreed to similar parenting values and to communicate frequently about the children so that they can better care for them.
For example, co-parents may connect with each other weekly to discuss the children’s schedules; assist each other with pick up and drop offs; and be more flexible to make exceptions to the schedule when it is best for the children.
However, co-parenting with a narcissistic parent can be incredibly challenging. A person with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or narcissistic trait manifests toxicity, abuse (physical or emotional), and lack of empathy in their spousal and parental role.
A true narcissist develops an inflated sense of self in a way that results in little care about others needs. This affects their relationship with their child and the co-parent. Where co-parenting requires communication and mutual respect, the narcissist cannot listen to the co-parent or respect that co-parent’s boundaries.
Hence, co-parenting with your ex-narcissistic husband or wife can be very difficult. If you are already co-parenting with a narcissist, you must set some firm boundaries for them, establish a clear parenting plan, seek family therapy, and parent your child with love.
This article discusses 7 ways to co-parenting with a narcissistic spouse.
A true narcissist has their own agenda. You cannot change them. If you tell them about their wrong attitude or conditional love, it’s common that they will repel you with insults rather than accepting their faults. Imagine how difficult it would be to co-parent with them. The following are the 7 tips for making co-parenting easier with your narcissistic co-parent.
Set clear, firm, and non-permeable boundaries for your co-parent regarding your children and co-parenting responsibilities. Neither bypass the boundaries yourself nor let them do so. At first, they may resist your boundaries because of their controlling nature. However, they would adjust with the time.
The following are the tips regarding setting firm boundaries:
The point is that you need to communicate on important matters regarding the child. If you feel that your co-parent is trying to violate boundaries, you can change the topic, walk away from them, or ask them to leave the place (house).
For co-parenting communication, you can use email or a co-parenting app. You need to stay clear and concise. Using email or a co-parenting app will give you enough time to respond accordingly. Having clear boundaries and communication will keep conflicts at bay.
When you are co-parenting with a narcissist, then it is a must to have a substantial, clear, and well-documented parenting plan. A firm and clear parenting plan can set firm boundaries and eliminate loopholes of which a narcissist can take advantage.
A co-parenting plan, also known as custody visitation or custody agreement, should list everything in detail regarding your child and parental role.
Establish your co-parenting plan through a child custody mediator. Families First mediators have 20+ years of experience creating a legal co-parenting plan that aligns well with parental wishes and child’s actual needs. Book your free video consultation now for further discussion.
A basic custody agreement should outline the following aspects:
After you establish a parenting plan, stick to it and do not allow your narcissist co-parent to break it because your narcissist co-parent (due to a manipulative attitude) may like to be overly involved in the child’s life.
Narcissistic husbands or wives often gaslight and blame their spouses over little things, which could trigger the spouses to lose their temper and become frustrated.
Stay calm whenever your ex-narcissistic husband or wife makes you or tries to make you angry. Do not answer their blames and insults in their tone.
You also know how badly a narcissistic co-parent can react to your constructive criticism. Hence, you will not get anything if you do it. So do not let them win by taking their attacks to your heart or by reacting either emotionally or physically. Talk with them as you are in a business meeting with them.
Do not drag your child(ren) into conflicts with your narcissist co-parent. Involving children in parental disagreement can affect them in the long term. Avoiding conflicts can help a child cope with routine changes effectively in a peaceful and stable environment.
Likewise, do not blame your ex-spouse in front of your child, no matter how selfish or manipulative your narcissistic spouse is. If you talk negatively about co-parenting before your kid, it can create loyalty conflicts and parental alienation issues.
If your narcissistic spouse tries to engage you in conflict or speaks ill of you in front of your child, leave the place or ask them if we should communicate about it in one email or a co-parenting app.
Good co-parents maintain good relationships with each other through communication and mutual respect for the sake of fulfilling their child’s needs and desires.
If another parent is unwilling to cooperate or communicate on child-related matters, co-parenting is unlikely possible. Instead, a parallel parenting plan with the other parent would work.
A parallel parenting plan suggests that each parent is parenting the children on their custodial time, with little communication between the two households. The conflict between the parents is so bad, that not having the parents connect about the children is actually better for the children. This might look like each parent having their own rules in their home, the parents rarely help each other out or make changes to the custodial plan, even for emergencies, and little communication about what the children are doing at each other’s homes.
In fact, there is so much conflict that if exchanges are not at school, and home exchanges are tense, you have to choose a neutral pick up and drop off site.
Empath spouses feel resentful, frustrated, and often hopeless regarding themselves and their children when they have to co-parent with a narcissist. You can cope with this situation by joining support groups or seeing a reputable family therapist.
When you are co-parenting with your narcissistic spouse, you need support and guidance to deal with your spouse’s manipulation and disrespect to avoid trauma and emotional stress.
While co-parenting with your NPD husband or wife, your child can miss love and empathy, which he or she truly deserves.
Your child may have developed self-esteem issues due to a narcissistic environment, which may later convert into psychiatric issues. Children have different needs, and one of them is emotional support.
Hence, love your child unconditionally, unlike a narcissist whose love is based on conditions and self-interests. Your love and empathy will help the child live with confidence.
Even if you are married to a narcissist, you can successfully mediate your divorce with Families First Mediation. It can be scary. Often the other spouse is afraid they will be steamrolled in the mediation process; their spouse will talk over them and with the affection of the mediator.
At Families First Mediation, we are trained to work with all personalities. We work hard to create a level playing field, and involve the right legal and mental health professionals in our process so that both parties are successful. Most importantly, if you do not try mediation, going through a traditional divorce process in family court can further the cycle of abuse or mistreatment of the other spouse, and prolong both parties’ suffering. Consider whether mediation is right for you. Book a free consultation and we can help you both strategize your next steps.
Families First Mediation is a pioneer in the field of divorce mediation. Our entire divorce mediation team takes great pride in being active trainers, divorce mediators and teachers of mediation in the greater California area. If you are considering a collaborative divorce, legal seperation or looking for a san jose divorce lawyer we have services that may be beneficial to you. Take advantage of our vast expertise and background in the field of divorce mediation and our genuine desire to help with your divorce mediation services.
