Providing Divorce Mediation Services Throughout California
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Going through a divorce in California is already an emotional burden, and living with your soon-to-be ex-husband or ex-wife amplifies the uneasiness and tension.
Due to finances, this is a reality for many divorcing couples in California or split couples who are living together to co-parent their children.
Although living together during a separation can save you money, you still need to balance how to make it possible without sacrificing your mental health or negatively impacting your divorce settlement.
In this article, we will provide you with 10 tips to survive living together in a separation like a divorce.
Need help navigating your divorce? Book a FREE consultation with divorce mediator Dina Haddad today!
Living together during divorce can be practical but challenging. Here are some of its benefits and drawbacks:
While cohabiting works for some, clear boundaries are essential to make it manageable.
Although California law allows living together while you are divorcing, it also can make it complicated to determine whether the date of separation occurred or who should be paying what share of the expenses.
Since California is a community property state, everything you bought when you were married until the official date of your separation is community property.
Your separation date may become blurred when you continue to live with one another, unless you are clear with each other that the separation has happened (e.g. sending an email to the other spouse).
It can be further confusing if you have not determined how income and expenses will be shared or paid during the separation period when living together.
For some couples, it makes no difference. They gladly pay the expenses in the same manner as they did while married. It simplifies their finances and is fair to them.
For others, they begin depositing their pay into separate accounts and then transferring their portion to a joint account to pay joint expenses.
Here are 10 ways to make living together work during a divorce:
In order to keep the peace, you can start by living together like roommates. You could start by sleeping in separate rooms, and perhaps even locking the doors. You should define the boundaries where each one of you can occupy.
For example, consider Sarah and John from Los Angeles. They created a written agreement for how to use their bedrooms, and bathrooms, which led to very little hostility.
You could do something similar by drafting a cohabitation agreement or exchanging an email, which states your respective expectations being together during this period.
It’s important to follow any rules you create. This will create a cooperative relationship between you that will carry over to your divorce process.
Divorce can cause financial stress. You might want to separate your income, and then transfer your portion to a joint account for household expenses.
You may track expenses so it’s easy to tally at the end. You can use available applications like Splitwise.
Some of our mediation couples will agree to a short-term arrangement that is more similar to what they did while married.
Whichever solution you choose, it is best not to incur extravagant costs during the divorce.
This can be a violation of the automatic restraining orders (ATROs) and cause conflict. A little planning now can save you money battles later.
Children need their parents’ presence even after the divorce. You could set up an alternating schedule even while you are both living in the home (i.e., Mon-Wed are with Mom, then Thu-Sat are with Dad, and share Sundays).
Some families use apps, like OurFamilyWizard, to keep custodial parental roles clean and clear.
To make the schedule stick, write it down and treat it like a contract. In the beginning, you want to follow your plan as much as possible until you build co-parenting trust for exceptions and changes.
When changes occur (and they will occur), use mediation instead of arguing (think negotiation). Your children’s stability depends upon it.
Divorce pushes your emotional boundaries. Take baby steps, grab ten minutes to yourself every morning, and try journaling your thoughts or doing a guided meditation (check out the free apps, Insight Timer).
Consider counselling with San Jose Divorce Recovery Therapist Dr. Invia when heavier emotions hit. He offers affordable sessions that help make sense of your emotions and show you the next step in your journey.
Remember, your healing is far more important than anything or anyone else. That habit of daily mindful awareness you create? It’s more than self-indulgent; it’s the emotional armor you’ll need for the fight ahead.
Divorcing while living together can be tense. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) to keep exchanges civil, trying to respond to provocations with calm, fact-based responses.
Only discuss the more difficult conversations during neutral, appropriate times—never at night or during meals.
Also, make a deal never to discuss the divorce at home. Take the heated topics to the mediation sessions instead.
This temporary ceasefire allows everyone to breathe and not feel tense waiting for conflict.
California Family Code §4320 does consider dating during a divorce when determining spousal support.
More importantly, bringing new intimate partners into the home can compromise custody orders or inflame tensions.
Err on the side of caution: As much as possible, keep your dating life separate from your cohabitation.
No overnight guests, no family introductions until your divorce is over. Your future self will thank you.
When one believes they are doing all the housework, resentment can develop quickly.
Create a complete chore chart that includes cooking, cleaning, and childcare. Put it on the refrigerator where you will see it each day.
Take inspiration from a couple in Sacramento who colour-coded their chore chart. They used blue for his chores, pink for hers, and green where they shared responsibility.
Of course, this can be done with any colour, and no one had to argue about whose chores were whose with color-coding.
Start searching for housing as early as possible since California’s housing market moves fast. Also, gather materials for rental applications now: last pay stubs, prior landlord references, proof of separate finances, etc.
In many instances, divorcing spouses wait until their divorce is final before searching for housing, and they tend to find very few available options.
Divorce can come with a heavy emotional toll. Be on the lookout for signs of depression (loss of motivation, persistent exhaustion) or anxiety (racing mind, trouble sleeping).
Acknowledge that these may be normal responses, but they still require attention.
Consider starting a daily emotional journal—just three bullet points about your emotional state and the stressors. Patterns will show, which can help you prepare for hard moments.
If you write grim or depressing entries for multiple weeks, you may want to consider contacting San Jose Counseling for professional support.
California’s high housing costs often force divorcing couples to live together longer than planned.
Continued cohabitation can impact temporary spousal support calculations and child custody arrangements. Courts may view shared living as evidence of ongoing financial entanglement.
Schedule a FREE consultation with us. We can help you navigate these complexities.
Dina Haddad is a highly regarded certified mediator and founder of Families First Mediation (California’s best mediation service). Dina and other mediators provide low-cost collaborative divorce options for California couples who want to:
Mediation with Dina Haddad will make the divorce process much easier, reducing conflict while advocating for everyone’s best interest.
Read More: What Happens in Divorce Mediation?
It takes strong boundaries, sound finances, and respectful parenting to share space while going through a divorce, but this hard work has an end.
The practical strategies shared will work to not only protect your health but also provide you with a fresh start.
Ready to move forward at peace? Contact Dina today for a FREE consultation!
Start by getting copies of all the financial documents (i.e. bank statements, tax returns, debts). Open a new bank account and get credit in your name.
Make an appointment with a financial advisor to understand your entitlements to assets and support.
Focus on self-care through therapy, support groups, and building healthy habits. Inevitably, you will need to set boundaries with your ex-partner, particularly since you still live in the same space. Focus on getting independence back one step at a time.
Treat your spouse like a roommate or co-parent, and create rules for shared space, finances, and parenting.
Mediation can help you create a cohabitation agreement for this temporary period in your life.
Families First Mediation is a pioneer in the field of divorce mediation. Our entire divorce mediation team takes great pride in being active trainers, divorce mediators and teachers of mediation in the greater California area. If you are considering a collaborative divorce, legal seperation or looking for a san jose divorce lawyer we have services that may be beneficial to you. Take advantage of our vast expertise and background in the field of divorce mediation and our genuine desire to help with your divorce mediation services.
